S2 E7 The Portland Trip
by JDPostEpisodeChallenge
Summary: written by ABSea


Donna's leg bounced nervously as she sat on the stairs outside his apartment, waiting anxiously for Josh's impending arrival. She wrapped her arms around her waist, biting her lower lip and and staring forlornly out of the front doors of his building. She wasn't particularly looking forward to the conversation she was about to have, but she wasn't going to avoid a tough topic simply because it may be uncomfortable.

It had been hit and miss lately, with his mood. Josh was either on top of the world or lost in the bottom of a dark pit. He hid it well, but she could see through him in ways others couldn't and she never knew from minute to minute where he'd be. He'd been jovial that particular morning, playfully picking at her over the color coded highlighting in her planner, but moving towards a darker version of himself that evening.

When she'd mentioned her plans for a date that evening, however, something changed in him. He'd been a bit more reserved all day, and something in his eyes seemed particularly hollow in that moment. He'd unleashed his snide comments about her taste in men, and though it was hardly the first time he'd made a snide remarks, that evening's comments had been particularly hurtful. He seemed to have lost his filter over the last few weeks, so while his words stung on their own, they'd made a particular impact that evening because Donna knew he was speaking his particular view of the truth.

She'd worked so hard over the last few years to create a new life and a new version of herself. After she'd left Dr. Freeride she was bound and determined to chart her own course and do something for herself. Something that mattered. And Josh knew that. He also knew it was a sore spot for her. He knew all of her weaknesses, and though he'd never consciously use them to his advantage, that was on some level what he'd done that evening. He'd felt trapped in a corner and he'd lashed out without thinking. He'd been brutally honest.

But with the same mindset that had sent a pang through her chest at the beginning of the evening, he'd made her heart sing at the end of the night. He complimented her on her dress, in his own Josh way and for the same reasons she'd been down all evening, she known he wasn't simply paying her lip service. He'd meant what he said and deep inside she knew he was offering an olive branch for the earlier comments as well, even if he wasn't retracting the statement.

Donna knew, however, that he was quickly reaching a breaking point. Though his reputation as Bartlet's Bulldog was well deserved, he'd always spared her from anything resembling his wrath. She'd been, somehow, in a different category, exempt from his short fuse and hot temper. So when he'd barked at her, she knew she had to do something before it was too late.

She checked her watch again, wondering where he could possibly be. He and Leo had a late phone meeting with the President to recap his conversation with Matt Skinner, but she'd expected him to be home by now, though he was less than predictable lately.

She let out a shaky breath and wrapped her arms around her waist. Even though she was waiting on the steps inside the foyer, the first real cold of winter was seeping in through the outer doors. She shivered, though she wasn't sure she could completely accredit the chill in her bones that particular night to the weather alone.

She spotted him at the end of the block, hands shoved deep into the pocket of his overcoat, his head down against the wind. Even from a distance she could tell his was brooding, his hard stride and the scowl on his face. She'd anticipated as much. He took it personally when he lost politically.

He was so focused, in fact, that he didn't even see her sitting there until he'd already stomped up three steps. He froze, blinking a few times to be sure she was really there.

"Hi," she offered meekly.

"Hi." He stared at her, not moving. "What are you doing here?"

"I, um," she licked her lips, her pulse quickening. "I left a bottle of face scrub in your shower." It was a hollow excuse, but it would work. She wanted to gage his mood.

"No, you didn't." But she had. He'd noticed it the morning after she'd left, on the day he returned to work full time after his recovery. The small bottle was still perched on the ledge of his shower at this very minute. It may have seemed an insignificant thing to lie about, but he didn't want to hand it over. Some mornings the presence of the cleanser was the only thing tethering him to reality. It was a little piece reminding him that she'd really been by his side for the last 3 months. And it felt so right for it to sit in the mix of his soap and shampoo.

"I think I did. . ." she began, recalling the bottle's exact placement. She'd left it on purpose, should she need a benign excuse to pop in at the last minute.

"Well I must have thrown it away," he began, blowing her off. He certainly wasn't going to admit that he'd popped the cap on it after particularly long, stressful days and taken a long whiff of the apricot smell that had always lingered with her all day. He'd never been able to pinpoint the particular scent before, but it was quintessentially Donna. "I'll buy you a new one," Josh offered.

"That's okay," Donna assured, standing up and gently brushing off the front of her coat as he slowly climbed the stairs towards her.

He fumbled for his keys but hesitated, glancing over at her before he reached for his lock.

"You're coming inside?" He seemed less than enthused.

"You don't want me too?" He'd thrown her off once again. She wasn't going to press him but she certainly wasn't going to back down, either. She'd try for the banter, she supposed, and see if that made any headway. "I mean, there's a woman standing at the door of your apartment at midnight, I'd think you'd invite her in out of the cold."

"Right." He agreed without emotion, sticking the key into the lock and turning, pushing the door open for her to enter.

"Josh?" She tilted her head a bit and reached out to softly touch his arm. "I can go. Seriously. You don't have to-"

"No." He cut her off. "Stay."

As reclusive as he felt lately, he wanted her there with him more than anything in the world. Just the simple touch of her hand on his arm soothed him immediately.

She stepped inside and removed the scarf from her neck as Josh followed behind her. She'd hung it on the first peg of his coat rack before she realized that he wasn't moving. She glanced over at him out of the corner of her eye, and saw him standing next to her, his hand gripping his backpack as he stared at the floor.

Donna slowly turned to face him. "Josh?" She questioned lightly.

"It's a mess. I'm sorry. . . about the mess."

Donna blinked a few times, turning around to peer into Josh's dark apartment. Though his entire life was somewhat disheveled on any given day, Donna could quickly see that the disarray surrounding her was beyond his normal amassing clutter. Things had piled up everywhere. It was by no means dirty, but it was beyond how he normally lived. Old newspapers piled up by the recycling with a few sitting on the counter, paperwork, briefing memos and legal pads with all sorts of diagrams scrawled across the pages sat stacked on any available surface, among books on physics. Not the occasional book, but what Donna would have referred to as a small library. She noticed a blanket wadded up on one end of the couch, with a pillow on the other end. He'd clearly been sleeping there. Or, if the 3 empty coffee mugs on the end table were any indication, not sleeping there.

She ignored the small heartbreak she felt at a telltale sign that he was struggling. But that was, after all, why she was here to begin with. She hadn't pitied Josh Lyman in the 3 years since she'd met him, she certainly wasn't going to start now. She was going to do the same thing she always did when it came to taking care of Josh at work or personally- she was going to love him.

"You've been a mess since the day I met you, Joshua. A few stacks of scattered paperwork isn't going to scare me away now," she quipped. "I think we're well past that, don't you?"

He gave her a self depreciating half smile, but she'd take it.

Josh dropped his backpack and shrugged out of his coat, his suit jacket following. Donna, standing next to him, methodically unbuttoned her own pea coat, hanging it carefully on the hook over her scarf.

"You're. . . still wearing that dress." Josh was eyeing her.

"Well of course I am," she quipped casually. "If I'm keeping it I need to at least get my money's worth."

That earned a genuine smile from Josh, and Donna's heart practically sang.

"I'll get you a jacket." He set off towards his bedroom, ready to grab her the warmest thing he could find.

Donna moseyed into the kitchen, not surprised in the least to find that he was completely out of food. She pulled two bags of chamomile tea from the box she'd left in his cupboard, and began to heat a kettle of water.

"Here you go," he returned, handing over a fleece lined Yale Law pullover that was at least two sizes too big for her. She'd staked her claim to the article of clothing long before that night, and he was somewhat relieved that she'd stayed in his apartment long enough on that particular evening to acquire a change of clothing.

She slipped into the bathroom for a moment, pulling the fleece over her dress. She noticed immediately that her apricot facial was perched inside of his glass walled shower, but choosing not to bring it up. When she returned to the kitchen, he was already buried in a pile of paper, completely closed off to the world. The kettle began screeching in the background, the noise startling Josh to the point that he jumped a bit in his chair. Donna raised an eyebrow and immediately moved towards the kettle.

"Can you STOP THAT NOISE?" he barked. It was if he'd done a complete 180 from the man with the soft sentiment that hand handed her the jacket.

"It's stopped," she assured him, turning off the gas burner and pouring the water into the mugs.

He was quiet for a moment, still concentrating on the page in front of him. She didn't disturb him, simply placing some warm tea near him when it was ready.

"What are you doing here?" He didn't look up when he spoke to her.

"I told you," she reminded gently. "I left my apricot cleanser and-"

"Cut the bullshit, Donna." His voice was filled with venom.

The words died on her lips. She felt the all too familiar shooting pang of sadness at his anger. Rarely was it directed towards her, rather than an errant member of Congress, but when it was that made it all the more painful.

She took a soft breath and slowly lowered herself into the seat next to him, perching on the edge of the chair and gently placing her mug next to his.

"Look at me, please." Her request was barely above a whisper and she had no guarantee that he'd even comply. But after hesitant moment, he glanced up to meet her eyes. She wasn't prepared for the pain she saw. He'd always done an expert job at concealing his emotions, but given the time of night and the stressful week he'd had, for the blink of an eye he was just too exhausted to hide it. And Donna saw him.

"Josh, I'm worried about you." She didn't bother to ease into it. She wasn't going to placate him.

"Well you don't have to be." He looked back at his book, though she could easily tell he was only pretending to read.

"No, I suppose I don't _have_ to be. But I am. You don't seem to be yourself lately. Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Josh. You were shot in a hate crime 4 months ago. It's okay not to be okay."

He visibly bristled at the mention of Rosslyn. "I'm fine," he bit off through gritted teeth. "Now you can go home."

"You're not fine." She left little room for argument, but she wanted him to know that he didn't have to hide from this.

"Shouldn't you be out with a man with whom you have no future right now? Plotting your next foray into the dating world so you can throw away everything you've achieved on some putz who will never appreciate you for how valuable you truly are?"

She knew what he was doing. He was trying to get under her skin in order to push her away. But she wasn't going to allow it to work. Besides, he'd said the magic word. Even in his somewhat greyed out state of mind, he'd still managed to pay her the ultimate compliment.

"I'm right where I want to be," she stated evenly.

He scoffed. In Josh's mind, there was no way she'd want to be the one checking in on him. She'd likely drawn the short straw and Sam, CJ and Toby would be waiting for a report. Or perhaps Leo had sent her over. Or even his mother. God. If that wasn't the most emasculating thing he could think of. He didn't need a babysitter, though. He needed everyone to mind their own damn business. He was fine. He assured himself of that several times a day, at the sound of a loud noise and usually at least once a night when he woke in a cold sweat.

"Will you talk to me?" She tried again when he didn't continue the conversation.

"There's nothing to talk about." He turned the page in his physics book, though he hadn't read a word.

"Have you seen Stanley lately?" She ventured into unfamiliar territory.

"Stanley?" His head snapped up to glare at her. "How in the hell do you know about Stanley?"

She gave him a look, reminding him that she was, indeed, the all knowing Donnatella Moss.

"So you're over here at midnight to ask me when the last time I saw my shrink was?"

"You've been through a lot, Josh. And I think perhaps-"

"Oh you _think_? You think I've been through a lot? And so you just assume that now, when I've had a stressful couple of days, that the only possible explanation is that I'm cracking up?!" He slammed the book closed and stood, storming over to the sink.

"That's not what I think at all." She remained where she was, trying desperately to be the voice of reason in this conversation.

"Well then what is it?" He couldn't think of anything other than the desire to win. To muscle through this conversation and prove to himself that no one really cared about him, and to prove to her that he could see the reality. He couldn't fathom that someone cared.

"Josh. . . I just want to help you. I want to make sure you're still doing your at home PT exercises. I want you to know that you have someone to come to when you're sore or tired or overwhelmed by all of this. I want you to know that I care about you and I want to see you get better."

"I'm. FINE." He tightened his grip on the edge of the counter where he was leaning, facing away from her as he stared out the window in front of the sink.

"You're not!" She was losing the weak hold she had on her emotions and she knew it. She felt the first tear slip free and begin to run down her face as her heart began to beat faster. She stood from where she was seated and though she was careful not to shout at him, she did find the timber of her voice rising to meet the intensity of the situation. "You're clearly not sleeping! You're not eating well and you're just not. . . _you_!

"And tell me, Donna? What business is it of my assistant's how I'm sleeping?" His voice dripped with venom. He wanted her to admit that Leo had sent her. He wanted to be left alone in his misery. But more than that, he wanted her to run far away from him and his problems, and to not have to bear the burden of any of this.

"I thought we were friends, Josh. I thought that we were two people who cared about each other's well being?I thought I'd proven that to you over the last months."

"Well I'm sorry that you drew the short straw over the last few months and that you had to assist me from home." He wasn't thinking now. He would have never consciously belittled all she'd done for him. "And I'm sorry that you're unable to draw an appropriate line between your job and my personal life."

"I'm not here because I think it's in my job description!" She took another step closer to him, standing in the entryway to the kitchen.

He turned around and scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. She was worked up now, and he could tell. He was ready to end this conversation for once and for all. He was going to get her to admit that Leo sent her. "I'm going to ask you one more time, Donna. WHY are you HERE?"

"BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" She shouted through her silent tears without consideration of what it could mean. Her chest heaved with ragged breaths from her outburst in the now silent apartment.

"No. You're not." He gave a sad smile and stared at a spot on the wall, just over her right shoulder. The statement was calculated and forced, spoken quietly, and for all of his might, not directed towards her but rather to himself. He didn't know how else to respond. He wished it was true, but he couldn't possibly fathom how it could be.

A violent sob escaped her lips. It was her worst case scenario. She couldn't believe she'd been so careless as to let that slip out, and he'd cut her down without hesitation, though she didn't want to believe him. She knew it was the last thing he wanted or needed to hear at that moment, and she hated that she'd only made things worse for him. She didn't want to put anything more on his plate. She felt the sudden desire to run rise inside of her, but she certainly wasn't going to leave him like this. Now when he needed her most. She'd tamp down all of her feelings for him and sort out her emotions later. Or at least she'd try. She could feel the tears sliding down her cheeks, but they seemed out of her control at this point.

The sound of her cries snapped him back to reality like a cold bucket of water.

"Oh, God. Donna." He crossed the room to her, standing in front of her and opening his arms to her. He pulled her close and after a brief moment's hesitation she buried her face in the crook of his neck. He allowed himself to lean his cheek against hers, closing his eyes and taking her in.

He let his thoughts transport him to another place. A world where he could hold her like this forever. A world where he could truly believe that she loved him, and that he could be the man she deserved.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, not knowing where to begin. He felt her tense a bit in his arms, and he felt the need to clarify. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm sorry I accused you of coming over here with ulterior motives when you've always been the person who has taken care of me the best. I'm sorry I've been a self righteous bastard more times than I can count. And I'm sorry that I'm not nearly the man you deserve." He pulled her closer, tightening his embrace. He didn't understand how he could possibly have been so lucky as to end up here. "I love you, too, Donnatella. And I wish more than anything that that would be enough."

She pulled away from him, ever so slightly, to see that his eyes were nearly as red and puffy as hers. She tenderly cupped his cheek with her hand and stared meaningfully into his eyes.

He let out a small puff of air, hardly able to believe any of this was happening. He'd been upside down for weeks, and for the first time in a long time he felt a spark of something besides anger. He leaned in and hesitantly touched his lips to hers, the depth of the kiss growing as he found himself almost frantic to lose himself in her.

Though Donna reciprocated, she was also the first to end the kiss.

"I'm sorry." He blurted once again. "I shouldn't have. . . I mean, I-"

"Shhh," she immediately supplied. "I'm glad you did." Her hand made its way gently into his hair and she remained close to him. "I just think that we should. . . slow down a little."

"Oh." Now it was Josh's turn to tense, wondering if perhaps Donna regretted what she'd said to him in the heat of the moment. Or worse, this was all derived out of pity.

"I meant what I said earlier, Josh. I love you. I've loved you for a long time. You don't have to apologize or second guess yourself. I don't want perfection. I want you. And I'll walk this road with you if you'll let me. But no matter what, I want you to be happy, and I want you to be healthy. Do you understand that?"

"Ahkay. . . " He squirmed a bit, unsure of what, exactly, they were circling back towards.

"You have to make your recovery the priority, Josh," she continued, holding onto him a little tighter and hoping it would drive her point home. "You have to take care of yourself. That's the most important thing."

"Let's not talk about this anymore right now." He sighed, but he was insistent.

She remained silent for a moment, simply allowing herself to be content in his arms for a moment. Donna could easily see that Josh was exhausted, and she was too.

"Let's get some sleep," she offered. "Maybe we can talk about all of this tomorrow?" She realized, for the first time, that she was unsure if in a moment of emotional vulnerability, they'd just tipped their carefully balanced scales beyond the point of recovery.

"You want to stay?"

"You don't want me to?"

"I. . ." he scrubbed his hands over his face and took a step back, unsure how to continue.

"You're not sleeping well, are you?" She gently took his hand but didn't advance towards him, offering her unwavering support while attempting not to overwhelm him. "Josh? Are you waking up in the night?" She remembered the nightmares from when she'd stayed with him. He'd wake gasping for air with his hand on his chest, completely unsure of his surroundings and covered in a cold sweat. They'd concerned her greatly, but he'd shrugged them off as nothing, assuring her those nights were anomalies. She wasn't buying it.

Josh remained quiet. He didn't wish to confirm or deny her line of questioning. He really didn't want her to know.

"You don't have to do this alone." She whispered softly, hoping he'd understand that her words weren't simply lip service. "No matter what, I'm always going to be right here for you."

Josh swallowed hard and gave a little nod, squeezing her hand. He was having trouble admitting to himself that he was going through anything at all.

"You should get to bed," she offered again. "I'll call myself a cab and lock up on the way out."

"I'd like it if you stayed." he pulled her close. "Donna, I didn't mean what I said earlier," he whispered softly in her ear, finding that the words were flowing in a way they hadn't before. "I hope you can believe me, because the truth is that I'm absolutely crazy about you. And I know this isn't going to be easy, but I want you to know that I'm going to try. I need you to know, Donna, that I _want_ to make this work. You and I. I'll go back to the PT. I'll talk to Leo or not talk to Leo, or pick up the phone to call CJ right now or ask your father's permission if that's what you want."

A small smile grew into a full grin on Donna's lips as his arms snaked around her, pulling her close as he continued to speak softly.

"I know I can't be an easy person to be around, and I'm terrible with relationships," he continued, "but I promise you, Donna, I'm going to try. I'm going to try to be the man that you deserve."

"You already are the man that I want," she responded, burying her face into the crook of his neck. "My feelings for you are unwavering, Josh. But as much as I'd like to make everything else you're going through right now go away, as much as I'd like to absorb all of the pain and frustration and fear you've had to endure over the last 3 months, I can't do that."

"I know. And I don't want you to ever have to carry that burden, Donna. But it'll all be okay now." She always had the distinct ability to fix everything for him, and hoped that now that he could admit his true feelings for her, this would be the similar. He wondered that if somehow he didn't have to bury his emotions on this front, everything else would simply dissipate.

"I'll always stand beside you, Josh. And I'll always support you," she assured. "But I can't make this go away. And I want you to get better* but I want you to _want_ to get better, too. Okay? So I'm not going to badger you about it, but I would like for you to talk to someone."

"Hey." He gently cupped her face. "I'm fine. Really. Right now I'm feeling pretty great, actually. You'll see."

She nodded once, hesitantly, but she could see that his wall was already up. He was shielding his true self from her again. She let it go for the time being, but his pain wouldn't be forgotten by Donna.

He pulled her close to him once again, and she rest her head on his chest, counting her blessings as she heard his heartbeat, strong and steady. It was a sound she'd never take for granted again, and one that, on a hot August night, she'd desperately prayed wouldn't be simply a memory.

She felt him stir after a moment, and she slowly looked up to look at him, meeting his gaze. He was vulnerable this time, his eyes full of wonder and excitement and vulnerability, and looking at her in a way that made her weak in the knees.

He pulled her into a soft kiss, realizing there was something he should have told her earlier.

"I'm in love with you, too, Donnatella," he whispered. And both of them knew, without a doubt, that he meant it.


End file.
